"You know you deserve more than what you limit yourself to"

And there you (whomever "you" may be) have it. I tried to figure out what my first blog would be about and after sending text back and forth with my friend that is in New York visiting the love of his life, I figured it out with just one text he sent. I thanked him for proving to me that good guys still exist in a world where I only seem to interact with those that are so thoroughly in love with "first love" that they do the first love "thing" over and over with every female they date never really committing to one or another. In all his genius he simply responded that He was glad that I was keeping to myself and not really going out with anyone because I "deserve much more than" what I limit myself to. You know what is the worst part of playing the fool??? When others take notice. It's one thing to be silly and deal with it in private, but when another being acknowledges that you set yourself up for failure time and time again.... Man that just sucks. The thing is my track record is just as brief and bumpy as a 10 second Quarter mile run. 6 years of being single... SIX years!!! Sad to say though. The time flew by. I have gone from being the serial monogamist to a person that cant even bare to think of an other's feelings unless I feel safe. I never feel safe, so I never fully take anyone else into consideration. So why is it then? Why do I limit myself to failed attempt after failed attempt of utter fantasies and so many nights of tears and screaming when in about 2 weeks, I'll be obsessing someone else. The more and more I think about it and the more and more I question. I come to realize that I have no fucking clue what the hell I am doing. Yep, there you have it.

In the beginning I was very cautious and refused to talk to anyone hoping that I would somehow reunite with my ex-fiance that beat the shit outta me. After 2 years I had upped my sexual partners from 2 to 9. Last year, I went from 9 to 20. I now stand at 22 and of all of my sexual partners...Only like 5 were worth anything more than what we shared in bed. More than half tried to convince me that they were the one. Maybe 2 were. The others saw me exactly how I saw them. Something to kill time with, something to do(ha!). As I sit here now typing, I am over it. Just genuinely over it! Ugh... Type more later. I should be working. :o(